im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
