Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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