OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
