I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Alive.
So much puke
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
