Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
