On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize