Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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