I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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