just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
