i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
