Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
