I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
