Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
