I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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