I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
