tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
