totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize