am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Randomize
