Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize