I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
