Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He called his prostate his "boner button".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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