the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
