I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
