The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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