dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
