Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
