So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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