I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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