why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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