I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
