Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
