And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
