i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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