You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
