I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i love accidental penises.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
porn star boner night. come get it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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