No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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