remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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