I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
