Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
