but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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