I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
