I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
