Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Rumble strips road head = magical
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
