If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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