Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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