if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize