it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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