So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Acid is not a monday night drug
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
