I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
