Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
