Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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