Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
