break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
