yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
