Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
