Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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