How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
