can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
