I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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