Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm passing your future prison.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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