The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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