Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
