So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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