When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
