I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
