my vag is so smooth its legendary
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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