Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
