Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
