Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
