eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
