There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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