Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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